


Through a Line of Grey

by restless_joy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drabble, Gen, Introspection, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-22
Updated: 2014-12-22
Packaged: 2018-03-02 20:50:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2825705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/restless_joy/pseuds/restless_joy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean remembers a time when he was afraid of his father, afraid of the things he would say when he was half out of his mind with Jim Beam whispering in his ear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Through a Line of Grey

**Author's Note:**

> Short, drabble-y and introspective because I have a hard time with plot. Title from Blessed Son by Spencer Burton.  
> Set in Season 1, loosely between the Pilot and Home - i.e when Sam still pretty much hated John and Dean was still more soldier than son.  
> Enjoy!

Sam thinks raising them as hunters was the worst thing John Winchester could have done. Dean knows it wasn’t.

Dean remembers the dark days, darker than anything in Sam’s memory, right after Mary died. Before John found answers and somewhere to channel that all-consuming rage. He remembers a time when he was afraid of his father, afraid of the things he would say when he was half out of his mind with Jim Beam whispering in his ear. Sometimes Dean thought John hated him and Sam, looked at them and blamed them for the blood and the fire. Other times it was like they didn’t exist at all.

Dean remembers the apologies. When John was drunk he was angry, but sober he was sad and that was almost worse. Coming off a bender John would tell Dean how sorry he was, honest-to-God _weeping_ with the guilt and the grief and if Dean had been talking then he would have said anything to get his dad up off his knees. It was like watching a sandcastle in a rainstorm, crumbling and shrinking in on itself, only it was supposed to be Dean’s dad and he was supposed to be _invincible_ , not begging his 4-year-old for comfort, for forgiveness.

And then came a time when John stopped begging, stopped raging. Dean stopped being afraid of him. Afraid of the dark, maybe, afraid of what he now knew lurked in the shadows – but he wasn’t afraid of John and it made everything worth it. The “yes, sirs,” the punishing training regimen, even being hit in the face with John’s .45 because he wasn’t prepared, that first time, for the recoil; It was all okay because John was _John_  and he cleaned up Dean’s face after and wasn’t even a little mad.

To have a father again who he could trust and look up to, that was enough for Dean. He would follow every order John gave him. Sam could bitch and moan all he wanted about the way they were raised – it could have been worse. All things considered, John had done the best that he could.


End file.
